Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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