you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
