At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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