I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
