So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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