then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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