im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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