I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
