i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
