fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
