I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
