my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
