I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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