Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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