When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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