My first STD was from a foam party
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
