It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize