And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
