I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
