last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
