We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
