ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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