is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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