so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
