I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
