I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Shame - the story of my life.
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