boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
