He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
