I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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