I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
