Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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