I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize