Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
