Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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