every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
