you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize