she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
