If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
