What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
