there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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