he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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