I am puke
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
