: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
