Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
