I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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