On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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