I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can feel your judgement through the phone
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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