did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
