Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
