I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dick very happy bro
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
