with your own penis?
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
