what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
