There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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