Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
