would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
