I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
