My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
