Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize