this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
